39 years don't feel so old..

Well I turned 39 today. Yippee!?!?! Well not really, I am just happy to have made it this far. I have traveled the world, gone through the most wicked of divorce's, fallen in love at first sight 3 times (birth of my oldest daughter, meeting my current wife, and the birth of my son). Flirted with death a couple of times, and had tons of fun. Yet I still feel that I haven't done enough in my 39 years. I think that if I died today I would have so much left undone, yet I think of a person who died just about 9 months short of their 39th, and I try to put myself in that person's shoes and think how short her life really was. About all the things she longed to see (travel more, grandbabies, weddings, graduations) and I seem to remember this person staring death in the face for over 2 years and going toe to toe with the OLE' Reaper and holding her own. How brave to know you are going to die(very soon I might add, not years away or not knowing when) and deep down inside knowing you cannot win the fight, but fighting the good fight never the less. Never showing your weakness to the ones who need you most. I have outlived my mother and some would say she deserved wayyyy better than I, but like the song says " The good die young" never a truer word was said. I hope there is an afterlife because I want to see her face again, to hold her hand, to tell her all about what she missed. But if there is just black emptiness and a cold dark ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Then I will say it now. I love you Mama and I have missed you EVERYDAY SINCE JANUARY 15th 1985. But I would not have my family and children if you had of made it past 39 and I know now that we weren't punished by your leaving so soon, I have traveled, cheated death, fallen in love and am truly now in the calm of my life all because you were taken away. My path was altered by your passing and now I see it all so clear. 38 years was long enough for you to put us on our way.. Your work was done, thanks. 39 ain't so old and I can't wait for 40...

How could you not?? No excuse is acceptable

I often sit and look at my kids while they are at play, working on school, eating, or just sleeping. One lives away with her Mom so time is valuable, one isn't "biologically mine" and the other is my mini-me. I wonder how the world looks to them and I try my best to remember how much the little things matter when you are a child. Can we go swimming? Can we have junk food for a meal? Can I have this or that at the store? My tummy hurts, my homework is too hard! So and so at school said this or said that? ( I have two girls and believe me the peers opinion is very important to them). Can we stay up late? All these are very very meaningful things to children and make for quite dramatic moments.
I always try to listen and always try to make myself available, although with the girls it is tough as they don't open up much, and well the little one thinks the whole world was created for his amusement. But I always try to make sure they know that I LOVE THEM!!
I live life a little close to the edge what with my love for two-wheeled death machines, and a penchant for alcohol, but if I should leave tomorrow or today my children will know that I love them. My wife and my ex-wife will testify to my undying love for my kids.
It is the cross that I bear, I will make sure my kids know that their Daddy loves them very much. I guess it stems from my own childhood when I spent the better part of 20 years only knowing for sure that there was one person who loved me. My mother..So many days spent questioning why? Through painful days of emotional abuse by my step-father and by complete and utter abandon by my bio-father. They say the guilt of his addiction/lifestyle kept him away, well that is complete BULLSHIT. NOTHING WOULD KEEP ME FROM MY KIDS...NOTHING. I made my peace with dear old Dad before the Reaper claimed his tainted soul, and the step-dad I abandoned him much like my father did me. Now some will say he kept in touch, a birthday card every now and again, a visit to cry on my Mother's shoulder, and him and my oldest sister stayed close. But for all intents and purposes he gave me up to the wind. How could you do that? Now that my son is 2 years old I have yet to spend a night away from him, I will not let him spend the night at grandma's because I never want him to awaken and not know that his Daddy is more than a few feet away. How could you not???No excuse is acceptable...I fell in love with my babies the second they were born and I will never ever use any excuse for not doing my part and being in their lives no matter what the cost...